Monday, January 28, 2008

Non Profit? Yeah Right!



So we have come to the conclusion that there is another Lott waiting to join our tribe. As happy as that makes me, all of you that read this blog understands the emotional upheavel that is about to take place. I wish my thought process was like Dallan's...if there is a baby Mandee, then it will happen when it is suppose to happen. If that takes 3 months or 3 years it is okay. I can't think that way. If they said now Mandee in three years time you will have a baby, okay I can deal with that. I may not like it but I can deal with it. It is the NOT knowing that kills me. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. I am sure many of you are saying to yourself hasn't she learned anything? You would think so, right? With both of our children, it has worked out. I mean look at them and one can't help but know it was always meant to be this way. Even with two times under my belt I still haven't mastered the virtue of patience. This is one that continues to elude me and cause havoc in my life. Now enters Tisha. Tisha is a mother I meet at Madelyn's dance class. She has 7 children, two of which she just adopted (twin boys). She has given me all sorts of good information. They began with LDSFS but ended up going through an adoption facilitator. I think she waited less than 6 months. Last week she told me about an agency based in Salt Lake. She excitedly explained their short wait times and I was immediately hooked. I went home looked them up, called them, and said absolutely I would like a free information packet. Today the packet showed up in my mailbox and with that my balloon burst. Oh sure the first page explained that the wait time is an average of 7 months. I couldn't have a baby that fast even if I could get pregnant. In fact they gave you a sheet showing all the placement times for 2006. There were 83 couples and over half waited one month. One month! Can you believe it? Now comes reality along with the explaination as to why this agency only had 83 couples...
the expense sheet...... Here is a breakdown and please try to keep up.

1. Application Fee - $800
2. Processing Fee - $2,000
3. Home Study - $1,000
4. File Activation Fee - $4,500
5. Agency Fee - $10,500
6. Birth Parent Fees - $5000+ this includes her rent, maternity clothes, travel costs, food, utilities, etc.
7. Medical Fees - Depends on whether or not the mother has insurance, is she doesn't we are responisble for all her healthcare.
8. Additional Counseling - $75 per hour
9. ICPC Processing fee - I have no clue but it is going to cost me $500
10. Agency Time and Travel - between $3500 & $5000
11. Long Distance phone calls - $250
12. Birth Parent Support (for those mothers living outside of Utah) - $500 a week, they didn't specify exactly how long you would have to pay $500 a week for.
13. Attorney Fees - between $2500 to $6000

So what is the grand total??? Does it matter? I mean who can afford that? That is the question Dallan had. No one, that's who. That is why they give you a sheet with information on all these banking institutions willing to give you an unsecured loan.

Here is my problem and something I have learned from first hand is sickening to see the lengths doctors, adoption agencies, adoption attorneys, and yes even (some) birth mothers who are willing to make a profit off of the heartache couples face because they can't have children. Of course it is illegal to "buy" a baby, but an agency can charge you anything they want as long as they can somehow justify it. You have birthmothers who want you to pay for their maternity clothes, travel expenses, gym memberships (I am not kidding), post baby wardrobes and believe me the list goes on and on. And you mean to tell me I am not "BUYING" a baby? That is just there way of manuevering around the law. Because let me tell you if you can't pay for the things the birth mother demands, you aren't getting that baby. LDS Family Services is the exception. Theirs is a flat fee based on the amount of money you make. And there is a cap. They will never charge you more than $10,000. So what is the problem you ask? Well agency #1 places over a 100 babies a year...LDSFS (not nationwide) places maybe 12 to 20 babies. Agency #1 has 83 couples for their 100 babies...LDSFS....hundreds of couples (slight exaggeration). But you get the point.

I hear it constantly about all these babies who need homes. The only problem is they are only available to those who are wealthy or for those who are willing to commit financial suicide. Really, really sad!


Jessica said...

Oh, Mandee. I can just feel the emotion. I wish I was there to give you a hug and scream along with you. I really don't know what else to say, other than I love you and I am sorry for the emotional turmoil. We are neither of us unemotional beings. Hugs through cyber-space!

Mandee said...

You are such a good friend Jessica. Thank you for all your love and support and yes it would help if I was of the logical mindset and not the emotional. I think Dallan wishes that sometimes as well!

Karen said...

How can you not be emotional about a baby though? While Dallan is right, if there is another Lott out there they will find their way to your family, that doesn't make it any easier TODAY! Especially when given a blow like that. There will be a way, you'll find it. And you'll have another miracle in your family.

Mandee said...

Thank you Karen. And like him I do know if there is another baby who is supposed to come to our family he or she will make it here somehow. I have seen that twice and in no way doubt the abilities our Father in Heaven has in turning the impossible into a reality. But like you said, knowing that doesn't make the day to day any easier.

Andria Laws said...

I don't want to focus on the negative Mandee, but you're right that is totally messed up!!! I am completely sympathetic to your plight and wish we didn't live in a world where people cared so much about making money at the expense and heartache of others. But with that said I also know that NOTHING is impossible for the Lord. I know you know this too, I just wanted to leave you with that hope. He loves you and will be with you both through this process.

Misty said...

mandee i am so sorry you have to go through all that. the birth mothers who want you to pay for their gym memberships - that reminds me of people who sue mcdonald's for being fat. please. you are right, it is just a way to make money. i don't know what else to say, but that you are very special and it is a blessing for these sweet babies to come to you. i mean a blessing for them - they are a blessing to you too, but i'm sure you dont' ALWAYS feel it. i know i don't!

emma jo said...

Ditto to everyone's comments. It blows my mind out there what people are willing to do or who they are wiling to hurt or exploit doing it. You guys are amazing...I know for you it's probably like looking ahead at a storm, but look at the people you have become going through those storms before. Two people who are loved and respected tremendously. Your little people are lucky indeed.

Mandee said...

I am almost embarassed by all of your comments. I don't know what to say except I have am priviledged to know and be friends with such outstanding women. Thank you for taking such good care of me.

Vanderbeeks said...

The money factor is why we will probably only have our two. I got pregnant so easily with my 2 that I never thought adoption would be something I would ever have to consider. But if I get pregnant again, I have a super high risk of my cancer returning and dying from it. If I do NOT get pregnant, my chances of it recurring are extremely low. But after paying for chemo and radiation even with insurance (I hope you all have health insurance because it can happen to you - even when you are young like me) there is little $ left over. So unless a HUGE miracle happens, there will be no adopting going on here either. I was hoping for 4 children. Anyone want to be a birth mom? But seriously Mandee, you are right, miracles are possible, it may just take some time. Heavenly Father has promised us everything He has including eternal increase. Thank you for posting this. Thank you!

nanasdream said...

Hi Sweetheart-
What good friends you have. You have two beautiful children. Heavenly Father has truly blessed you. How we all love those little ones. Take each day and make it the best one ever. Just remember that when you got Madelyn the pressure was off!!!! You are a mother at last!!! Then along came Jackson as a bonus. How can I feel sorry for you??? I know it is frusterating - the red tape - the graft and greed - Change the focus!
I guess I think like Dallan - but then I am your Nana - and I love you so much and just want you to be happy.

Mandee said...

I can't believe you posted a comment Nan! Welcome to the world of really made my day! Everyone welcome my grandma...Nanasdream!

Mandee said...

Just as a side note and none of you will probably read this but I thought I should post it anyway...I am okay with all of this adoption stuff. I didn't mean to come off sounding sad and bitter. I was just angry at the injustice of it all, and not just for me but for all those families out there who would love nothing more than to adopt a baby. I have two beautiful children and the reality of it is we were lucky. We didn't have to wait a long time for either of them. I know this and I am grateful beyond words for the two miracles we have. It just makes me angry that there are people out there who are so greedy that they would profit off of the heartaches of those who can't have children. It makes me sick. I guess I need to be careful with the words I choose to describe how I am feeling! But thank you, for being such good friends and for all the words of comfort and advice. I am sure I will need them when I am tired of waiting!

Sherri said...

Hang in there darling! You are right to feel frustrated. all of those charges are incredible and really outrages.

Give your sweet babies a BIG hug!
they are luck to have you!