Thursday, June 03, 2010

How do you let go?

Over the years we have lived in lots of places. I loved moving. I loved the adventure of going some place new. I loved that every few years you were forced to go through your things and get rid of the junk you were holding on to. I also loved that with each new place you got the opportunity to reinvent yourself. Our first move was to Charleston, SC. Dallan and I were newly weds. Life was good. Very good in fact. It was there I learned just how valuable friendships are. We meet amazing people with huge hearts and great capacities to love. Dallan and I witnessed miracles there. We have cherished memories of being a part of an extended family of friends who cried with us and finally celebrated with us when we were blessed with Madelyn. But Charleston was easy to leave. Only because everyone we loved was moving on too. Our next stop.....Washington. From the moment we walked into our new ward it felt like home. I remember sitting behind Jessica Washburn in church. She turned around and said something funny and when she turned back around I whispered to Dallan I like her. She was the first of MANY women who I came to love, admire, and respect while living there. These women became my lifeline. As I struggled with the waiting for yet another baby these women rallied behind me. And when we finally got news of Jackson they were there crying happy tears right along side of me. And then it was time to leave. But this time was MUCH, MUCH different. I was the only one leaving. It was one of the hardest most depressing times in my life. My heart ached to be back there. And so I closed myself off. If I couldn't have that I didn't want anything else. I am still in touch with many of those friends. I have watched from afar as they have celebrated new babies, personal successes, and sadness that comes from losing someone you love. Not being there has made me sad, jealous, and sometimes even angry. I haven't made the same effort to meet and make friends because I wanted those friends back. So this is me attempting to restart and open myself up to new possibilities here. Since leaving I have become like a newly returned missionary...forgetting all the hardships while remembering only the wonderful. I suppose a part of me thought me closing the door would somehow mean that, that time in my life didn't mean as much as I thought it did. However, I have realized that closing the door doesn't mean forgetting or even leaving people behind. What it does mean is that I can now come to terms that things may never be like that again and that's okay. It has taken me a long, long time to finally say... good bye.