Thursday, June 03, 2010

How do you let go?


Over the years we have lived in lots of places. I loved moving. I loved the adventure of going some place new. I loved that every few years you were forced to go through your things and get rid of the junk you were holding on to. I also loved that with each new place you got the opportunity to reinvent yourself. Our first move was to Charleston, SC. Dallan and I were newly weds. Life was good. Very good in fact. It was there I learned just how valuable friendships are. We meet amazing people with huge hearts and great capacities to love. Dallan and I witnessed miracles there. We have cherished memories of being a part of an extended family of friends who cried with us and finally celebrated with us when we were blessed with Madelyn. But Charleston was easy to leave. Only because everyone we loved was moving on too. Our next stop.....Washington. From the moment we walked into our new ward it felt like home. I remember sitting behind Jessica Washburn in church. She turned around and said something funny and when she turned back around I whispered to Dallan I like her. She was the first of MANY women who I came to love, admire, and respect while living there. These women became my lifeline. As I struggled with the waiting for yet another baby these women rallied behind me. And when we finally got news of Jackson they were there crying happy tears right along side of me. And then it was time to leave. But this time was MUCH, MUCH different. I was the only one leaving. It was one of the hardest most depressing times in my life. My heart ached to be back there. And so I closed myself off. If I couldn't have that I didn't want anything else. I am still in touch with many of those friends. I have watched from afar as they have celebrated new babies, personal successes, and sadness that comes from losing someone you love. Not being there has made me sad, jealous, and sometimes even angry. I haven't made the same effort to meet and make friends because I wanted those friends back. So this is me attempting to restart and open myself up to new possibilities here. Since leaving I have become like a newly returned missionary...forgetting all the hardships while remembering only the wonderful. I suppose a part of me thought me closing the door would somehow mean that, that time in my life didn't mean as much as I thought it did. However, I have realized that closing the door doesn't mean forgetting or even leaving people behind. What it does mean is that I can now come to terms that things may never be like that again and that's okay. It has taken me a long, long time to finally say... good bye.

8 comments:

Libby's Library said...

I closed my door over three years ago, and can't quite get it back open yet. Glad that you did!

Jenniferb said...

WE miss you too Mandee! :)

Vanderbeeks Images said...

I've struggled to let go of my pre-cancer life. So this post is an inspiration to me. I'm just now getting used to the new normal without dragging along what I could of the little bits and pieces of my old life. I'm trying to reshape myself and head in new directions. It's been hard because there is no stinkin map. I've let go of all my old preconceived ideas about what made me happy and old limitations and so I'm doing things I never thought I'd do - like running up the side of a mountain - see tomorrow's post on my blog. And being happy with two children even though I wanted 4. I'm grateful for answers I've received in the temple that let me know that for me, this is okay. Heavenly Father has other things I can do because I'm only a mom of two. I'm grateful for family history work that I can dive into. And teaching photography classes and retouching online. And a million other little things I never would have know had I not had cancer and all of the struggles to recover from treatment. At first I felt cheated. Not anymore. Good luck girl. Keep us posted on this - you're such an inspiration!

Lexi said...

I love you with all of my heart. If it helps the process, I usually wear pajamas to bed, I was only testing our friendship on that trip to Lake Chelan when I told you I didn't and we had to share a bed...

See, we're liars here.

I miss you. Like crazy. I'll stop telling you it's time to come back. I'll be more encouraging in your endeavors there, and not so much meddling and what not.

Just know you'll always be loved here like crazy and Port Orchard miss you.

Emma Jo said...

And that is why you are loved by so many people. You are not just smart, you are wise wise wise. And a good example and loving and compassionate and strong and I wish that I lived closer to you still. You made our lives there blissfully fun and happy and I am grateful to know you!!

韋成 said...
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Mandee said...

Dallan and I lovingly call our 4 years in Charleston the "Golden Years". They were Bliss. Just no other way to describe them. I think if people had really looked they would have thought us and the Scharman's were cohabitating with one another. That's how much time we spent together. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE walking down memory lane. How lucky am I that I got to have these experiences? To meet outstanding people who truly impacted my life in ways I never thought possible. I could list memory after memory of how each of you touched my life for good. All I can say is that it is hard going from wonderful to wonderful to not so good and back to not so good. but at least I had the good!!

Kayleigh Lewis said...

I miss you! And it took a lot to not cry while reading this one! Love you dearly!