Non Profit? Yeah Right!

QUESTION.....WHAT IS THE GOING PRICE FOR A KID THESE DAYS?

CAUTION.....A VERY LENGTHY AND VERY OPININATED RANT....READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION

So we have come to the conclusion that there is another Lott waiting to join our tribe. As happy as that makes me, all of you that read this blog understands the emotional upheavel that is about to take place. I wish my thought process was like Dallan's...if there is a baby Mandee, then it will happen when it is suppose to happen. If that takes 3 months or 3 years it is okay. I can't think that way. If they said now Mandee in three years time you will have a baby, okay I can deal with that. I may not like it but I can deal with it. It is the NOT knowing that kills me. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. I am sure many of you are saying to yourself hasn't she learned anything? You would think so, right? With both of our children, it has worked out. I mean look at them and one can't help but know it was always meant to be this way. Even with two times under my belt I still haven't mastered the virtue of patience. This is one that continues to elude me and cause havoc in my life. Now enters Tisha. Tisha is a mother I meet at Madelyn's dance class. She has 7 children, two of which she just adopted (twin boys). She has given me all sorts of good information. They began with LDSFS but ended up going through an adoption facilitator. I think she waited less than 6 months. Last week she told me about an agency based in Salt Lake. She excitedly explained their short wait times and I was immediately hooked. I went home looked them up, called them, and said absolutely I would like a free information packet. Today the packet showed up in my mailbox and with that my balloon burst. Oh sure the first page explained that the wait time is an average of 7 months. I couldn't have a baby that fast even if I could get pregnant. In fact they gave you a sheet showing all the placement times for 2006. There were 83 couples and over half waited one month. One month! Can you believe it? Now comes reality along with the explaination as to why this agency only had 83 couples...
the expense sheet...... Here is a breakdown and please try to keep up.

1. Application Fee - $800
2. Processing Fee - $2,000
3. Home Study - $1,000
4. File Activation Fee - $4,500
5. Agency Fee - $10,500
6. Birth Parent Fees - $5000+ this includes her rent, maternity clothes, travel costs, food, utilities, etc.
7. Medical Fees - Depends on whether or not the mother has insurance, is she doesn't we are responisble for all her healthcare.
8. Additional Counseling - $75 per hour
9. ICPC Processing fee - I have no clue but it is going to cost me $500
10. Agency Time and Travel - between $3500 & $5000
11. Long Distance phone calls - $250
12. Birth Parent Support (for those mothers living outside of Utah) - $500 a week, they didn't specify exactly how long you would have to pay $500 a week for.
13. Attorney Fees - between $2500 to $6000

So what is the grand total??? Does it matter? I mean who can afford that? That is the question Dallan had. No one, that's who. That is why they give you a sheet with information on all these banking institutions willing to give you an unsecured loan.

Here is my problem and something I have learned from first hand experience...it is sickening to see the lengths doctors, adoption agencies, adoption attorneys, and yes even (some) birth mothers who are willing to make a profit off of the heartache couples face because they can't have children. Of course it is illegal to "buy" a baby, but an agency can charge you anything they want as long as they can somehow justify it. You have birthmothers who want you to pay for their maternity clothes, travel expenses, gym memberships (I am not kidding), post baby wardrobes and believe me the list goes on and on. And you mean to tell me I am not "BUYING" a baby? That is just there way of manuevering around the law. Because let me tell you if you can't pay for the things the birth mother demands, you aren't getting that baby. LDS Family Services is the exception. Theirs is a flat fee based on the amount of money you make. And there is a cap. They will never charge you more than $10,000. So what is the problem you ask? Well agency #1 places over a 100 babies a year...LDSFS (not nationwide) places maybe 12 to 20 babies. Agency #1 has 83 couples for their 100 babies...LDSFS....hundreds of couples (slight exaggeration). But you get the point.

I hear it constantly about all these babies who need homes. The only problem is they are only available to those who are wealthy or for those who are willing to commit financial suicide. Really, really sad!

January...The Bane of my Existance

January....a time for reflection......a time to put your best foot forward...a time to put your priorities in order...who came up with this?

I always start out the new year with my little notebook and grand ideas of all the things I will accomplish in the new year. I start off excited about the prospect of finally fitting into some "skinny" jeans (translation...less "chubby" jeans) and becoming more proficient in all areas where I find myself lacking. Loose weight..check...be a better mother...got it down...ponder the scriptures...check, check...be more charitable...noted...keep a meticulous house...etc, etc, etc. By the time I am finished writing said list, I feel so overwhelmed I end up sitting down in the filth and squalor of my home and eating a slab of chocolate cake that I initially made for the neighbor who just gave birth. Will the madness ever end? Why can't I just give in to the part of me that says "Hey I like you just the way you are...weakness is a good thing...there is no need to improve oneself...list? what list???" Oh, if only I didn't want to be skinny, smart and successful. If only I didn't want to raise happy and productive children. Pipe dreams, that's all the list is....that's all the list will EVER be.

Christmas Vacation

I just didn't want anyone to think I had abandoned ship so to speak. Me and the kids are still in Arizona soaking up as much warmth and sunshine as we can until Saturday when we finally return to Iceburg oh wait I mean Rexburg (I am so funny). I will return in full form next week. I hope your Christmas holiday was exactly what you had hoped for. Thank you for all your nice comments on our holday picture. Lots of love to all of you.

Mandee

The latest from Rexburg....

I love Christmas! It is the one time of the year when people seem happy and a little more eager to show charity toward their fellowmen. I am thankful for the many blessings we have in our lives. I am thankful for Dallan and for the good husband he. I am thankful to have two adorable children who are healthy and happy. I am thankful for my family and for the good friends I have in my life. But I am especially grateful for my testimony of our Savior. I know it is through him I have and will continue to be forgiven of the mistakes I make in life. I also know it is through his grace I have been able to move past challenges that seemed overwhelming at the time. I am thankful to know I am a child of God and with that comes unlimited potential to do many great things in this life. I am thankful our Father in Heaven is able to look past my flaws and see the person I am capable of becoming. In a world where people give up on one another way too easily it is comforting to know I have a loving and patient Father in Heaven who will give me as many chances as I need in order to achieve success. We hope each of you has very merry Christmas. We love you and indeed are blessed because you are a part of our lives.

Love,

Dallan, Mandee, Madelyn and Jackson

Just one of those days....

Today was just one of those days when from the moment you wake up things just aren't quite right. Over the weekend we put up our Christmas tree and other decorations. I love it and it makes me really feel the Christmas spirit but that being said past Christmas' haven't included a one year old little boy who loves to explore. It has been so frustrating for both me and him and everyday since putting up said tree I go to bed asking myself is it worth it? I am sure if Jackson could give his opinion his answer would be a big fat NO!!! I mean here is this tree with all these lights and shiny things that look exactly like balls and you are telling me I can't touch it....are you crazy??? Yes, son I think I am! So between me stopping the utter destruction of our Christmas tree and making pancakes yet again both me and Madelyn had what I like to call a "meltdown". For her it is age appropriate for me it just comes off as pathetic and more than a little crazy. I am sure as we both sat in her room battling it out this morning she must have thought to herself...my mom has lost it!!! In that moment I even had that thought....am I going crazy? Who is this person anyway? It certainly wasn't the me you all are used to. It was UGLY to say the least. And when it was all over I was left sitting there crying on the floor why you ask? Because it was one of those moments when you feel like the worst mother the world has ever seen. I wish I could say it got better but for the most part it remained the same.....one crazed mother, a frustrated little boy, and a daughter who wished today school lasted longer than two hours because that way she wouldn't have to put up with said mother! I don't want to be a mom today!!!!

Halloween

Here are the pictures I promised. Sorry they aren't the best quality, I am not sure what happened. They are really grainy...I guess that is what I get when I use my regular camera now. Oh well, at least I tried! Halloween was fun this year. I wanted the kids to coordinate and I thought it would be really cute if Madelyn went as Raggedy Ann and Jackson as Andy but for the life of me I could not convince Madelyn to put on the Raggedy Ann costume. She wanted to be a cheerleader and so brother had to go as a football player, which I suppose is more fitting! They were really cute together! My grandma made Jackson's little football pants and I made him some shoulder pads (although he probably didn't need them) and Madelyn got the last ASU cheerleading uniform left in the state of Arizona (okay I am exaggerating a little but it was dang hard to get my hands on one!). But it was worth it in the end....she loved it. I hope all of you had a great time dressing up the kids and "sharing" their treats. By the way it is good to be back!

Long time...No post

Sorry it has been so long since I last posted but I have been in Arizona visitng my family. I will be back next week!

Are You Kidding Me?

Normally I use my blog for cute pictures and intersting (if only to me) stories about me and my family. There are of course lots of things in this world that outrage me and once going I am sure I could rant with the best of them. I did just post yesterday and if you want something a little more uplifting feel free to skip this particular blog and scroll down to the next post. Believe me I won't be offended. With all that being said when I read this article on the internet I just had to speak out. I know no one who has the ability to change this policy will read my opinion and even if they did I am sure it would have little or no impact on the situation, yet I still felt the need to voice my concern. So here it is.....I just finished reading how one school district in Portland, Maine has decided by a vote of 7-2 it will now provide not only condoms but birth control pills as well as the birth control patch to that districts middle schools. YES, MIDDLE SCHOOLS!!! Not high schools, but middle schools. The ages of these CHILDREN are 11 to 13. I am sure to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy they did stipulate that parents must sign a waiver for their children to be seen by the clinic, but under state law such treatment is confidential, and students decide for themselves whether to tell their parents about the services they receive. So if you want your child to have the option of getting an aspirin just understand they also could ask for birth control pills and you would never know about it. It absolutely boggles my mind that school officials have the right to provide CHILDREN with not only contraceptives but with prescription medicine. I feel outraged and sick to my stomach at the thought of 11 year olds going to the school clinic in order to get birth control. So let me understand this correctly the school has no authority to allow students and teachers to pray but they do have the authority to hand out birth control? Are you kidding me????? On a side note when I read things like this I am SO THANKFUL to live in ultra conservative Rexburg, Idaho.

I love my children!

So the other day was one of those days where everything was just a little "off". I wasn't in a great mood and neither was Madelyn. Jackson, well Jackson is always happy. Seriously, he is just the happiest, messiest, loves to get into everything kind of boy. Even when he poops all over everything you can't stay frusterated for very long because he is just so dang cute. Okay back to the original story...at the end of that very long day, when everyone was in bed except me Madelyn woke up and of course wanted more milk. Perhaps I was feeling generous because I had been so grouchy that day so I got her another sippy of milk. I went in her room and laid down by her (she loves to snuggle at night). As we were lying there she rolled over and said mom I am sorry I was such a mean girl today, now feeling very guilty for my short temper I said Madelyn I am also sorry for being such a mean mom today. I said maybe tomorrow we can both be a little nicer...is that a good idea? She said yes mom that is a good idea and maybe Heavenly Father and Jesus can help us be nice....is that a great idea mom? Hugging her trying not to cry I ensured her that that was the greatest idea I had ever heard.

Sometimes I think I miss so many of the great moments motherhood has to offer because I am too busy, or too distracted by something not nearly as important as Madelyn and Jackson. However, I am thankful for chubby hands that always pat my back when I hold Jackson. And I am thankful for the many times a day Madelyn tells me I am her very best mom. I love that they are the children Heavenly Father chose to send to our family. I look at them both with their red hair and adorable faces and can't imagine what my life would have been like without the two of them in it. I love looking back and seeing the many things that had to take place in order for me to be their mother and every time I do I marvel at God's ability to make even the most unlikely of events occur.

There are some days when everything that goes along with motherhood seems too much for me to handle and I just want to throw my hands up and say I quit! But today I am thankful. Thankful for the messy house, the loads of laundry that are just waiting to be cleaned, the half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is sitting on the table, and even for Barney tape Jackson loves. Because without all of that my life would be sad and lonely.

What do you think....too many movies??

The unexpected statements starting coming at me yesterday. First it was...mom I need you to go and get me a boy. Not sure if I understood her correctly I asked WHAT? She said mom boys hold girls hands and boys dance with girls...I need you to get me a boy mom, so I can dance. I asked if dad was a possibility and of course the answer was no, dad was entirely too big and buddy, well too small. I guess you could say we were in a "Three Bears" situation. One too big, one too small when what we really needed was one boy who was juuuust right. All day this is what she asked for....a boy. Then this morning she comes downstairs and asks "Mom, what is that boy's name"? I don't know Madelyn what boy are you talking about? You know mom...that boy! I said are you talking about Camden? She said yes mom, Camden! And mom I am going to marry him. I said really you are going to marry Camden and she said yes, he is the boy of my dreams! At this point I could no longer maintain my serious face and started to laugh. This wasn't good...actually this reaction made her quite irritated. She put her hands on her hips and said mom I am going to marry Camden and all my dreams will come true! Okay, where does she get this stuff? Perhaps a little more mom and daughter time is in order instead of Disney Princess and daughter time. Boy are we in for it!!

Not Much to Say

There really isn't much to say as of late, no amusing stories or witty remarks. I am blank! Maybe it is all the benadryl I have been taking (allergies here have been horrendous). But I did take a few pictures of the children lately and so I thought the least I could do was post them if only so you don't have to look at the "boob lights"any longer. I hope all is well with each of you, I love reading your comments and am so glad to call all of you my friends

Only a guy would notice....

Dallan and I were upstairs watching TV when all of a sudden said you know oddly those lights look like breasts. I said what are you talking about? He said well just look at them so I did and well he was right they do. Now every time I am in that room all I can think about is how my three ceiling lights look exactly like a part of the female anatomy. What do you think? I think I need new lights.

I AM SO EXCITED......

I love the fall season! The leaves on the trees are starting to change, there is a crispness in the air which soon will lead to cozy sweaters and an excuse to sip hot chocolate. Fall means Halloween and thenThanksgiving and before you know it Christmas will be here. With all those reasons to love the Fall season there is another one....premiere week!!! That's right no more re-runs and finally some much anticipated answers to all those hanging questions! So hello the Office and you too Grey's Anatomy and Lost I couldn't forget you....oh howI missed you!

Welcome back to my living room, we have been awaiting your arrival.

Last Tuesday was Madelyn's first day of school. I will admit I was worried about sending her because she didn't know any of the other kids or the teacher. But as soon as we got there our little miss independant sat right down, kissed me goodbye, and said I will see you later mom. This made me a little sad because I thought for sure she would get upset to watch me leave! Two hours later I picked up Madelyn who was all smiles. She loved school and she loved her teacher Mrs. Doggett. As we were driving home I started asking her how her day was to which she replied it was fine. I said well what letter did you learn about, her response was "I can't remember". I said well I think it was the letter "C". She said yeah the letter "C". A few moments later I said Madelyn what letter did you learn about today (I was trying to be a good mom and reinforce what she did at school), this constant questioning by me was really starting to bug her and so she politely said "Mom, I really don't want to talk about it anymore". Okay.....conversation over! My next question was whether or not she liked her teacher Mrs. Doggett, her relpy shocked me! She said "Mom, she is nice but Mrs. Doggett is fat". I have no idea where she learned that because we don't use that word in that context. I said Madelyn we don't call people fat, it will hurt their feelings. She said but mom Mrs. Doggett is a really fat teacher. Again, I said Madelyn we don't say that! She said well then what do we say mom? Hmmmmm, well Madelyn we say Mrs. Doggett is a very nice teacher, okay? I only got silence from the backseat, so I said Madelyn do you understand we don't call people fat? Her reply...."Mom, I don't really want to talk about that anymore". Conversation over.....again. I know at least part of the conversation sunk in because today when she was talking to her grandma on the phone my mom asked her how she liked her teacher. She said she is nice grandma but we don't call Mrs. Doggett fat because that will hurt her feelings. Let us hope she remembers that the next time she sees her teacher!

Reminders of home and random introductions

When we lived in Washington there were plenty days when I thought enough with the rain! Who would have ever thought there would come a day when I would miss it? Today was such a "Washington" day. You know cloudy and cool with periodic rain showers. It was perfection! I opened all the windows and let the smell of the rain fill the house....aaah it is heavenly!

Today was Madelyn's first day of dance class. I will of course post some pictures as soon as I download them. But as all the moms were sitting there beaming with pride at their tutu clad little angels I started talking to the mom sitting beside me. She had two little African American baby boys who happened to be twins. This of course got the conversation rolling and her telling me how they adopted these two adorable twin boys. She gave me an email address and a search engine to try out regarding other adoption agencies. I went home and tried it out and was simply amazed at the wealth of information that was out there and all of these posts from agencies needing adoptive families for their birth mothers. I just couldn't believe I had never heard of this or found these sites when I was doing research. I more than likely would have never found them had I not been sitting in Rexburg, Idaho watching Madelyn showcase her dance moves. Maybe this is one of the reasons we had to move here and maybe nothing will come of it, but for now it has given me hope that maybe there is another baby out there for us.

Rain, good information and watching Madelyn dance.....I would say that is a very good day!

What is family?

Last night as I layed in bed trying to go to sleep but couldn't due to thoughts of wanting to sell our home and move I started comparing our situation here versus other places we lived. What made them so much better? Why do I hate it here so much? Like most of you church takes up a huge chunk of your time and in essence is a large part of who you are. That is when it hit me what is family? Family to me are those people you love and without condition or strings attached (most of the time). They are the first people you want to call when something good happens and even more so when the news is bad. When you are sick it is your family you want most. Family is good food and lots of laughter. They are the people you want to be with more than your neighbors, more than your other friends. They are the people you love to serve because you simply love who they are. And yes, there are times when they drive you crazy! And yes, sometimes you argue with them but in the end you always come back together because you are family and you love one another. Because Dallan's jobs have pulled us far away from our parents, siblings, etc., etc., we have learned to rely on a new kind of family.... our ward family. In both Charleston and Port Orchard from the moment we walked in we were greeted, we were taken care, we were welcomed. We felt loved, needed and when we served we felt appreciated. I will never forget when we went to church the first time in Charleston after picking up Madelyn. It was almost embarassing the reception we received. We were late getting there. Most people had already heard the news but no one really knew we were going to be at church that Sunday. One sister spotted us in the lobby and instantly got up and walked out to see our new baby, and then another, and then another. Soon the lobby was full. Dallan was mortified. But they were ecstactic for us. They wanted to see this baby girl we had waited so long for. The love I felt from those people was unreal. Many cried with us when we got the news we would never have children and those same people cried happy tears when our dreams of becoming parents came true. They were our family. Then we moved to Port Orchard sure that we would never find a ward of that caliber again. And again, we were beyond suprised when we became a part of the Sinclair View Ward. Like Charleston, the people in that ward became our lives. The sisters in that ward became my greatest friends, my greates allies. There was nothing they wouldn't do for me or my family. And in truth there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. You should have seen the clothes people brought over when we got Jackson. Meals were brought in even though I was quite capable of cooking. And my baby shower! I can't even tell you how much work went into that! Why? In one word...family. And that brings me to Rexburg, Idaho. This ward isn't a family. It is a Sunday obligation. You go to church and you are nice but when your three hours are up that is it. You go visiting and home teaching because it is required not because you love it. You do your calling and you serve because that is what was asked and what is expected but not because you love it. You don't see people congregating talking about what is going on in each other's lives. And when that last bell rings you better believe most are running toward their car. So what happens when you are away from your "real" family and your "other" family turns out not to be family at all but merely aquaintances at best? I wish I knew!

7 more months....

I remember fondly wrapping this cute boy up in his blanket and watching him sleep as Madelyn and I sat rather peacefully during sacrament meeting. I can now tell you that is a thing of the past. We are now talking about climbing, crawling, pulling everything out of the diaper bag, grabbing for the song books and fighting his way through the mass of legs hoping for an escape. After we are done each Sunday with church Dallan and I just look at each other and comment on how we have 7 more months of this little monster before he is old enough to go and terrorize the nursery. Good thing he is both cute and loveable! Seven more months.....heaven help me please!

Eclipse.....

Okay, I need a book club (even though many would say this series isn't book club material) but it would be fun to discuss certain aspects of the book. I don't get many hits on my blog so maybe we should do it on Emily's, she gets about a million a day. But anyway I will start and will make it an easy question with no hint as to how the book ends. So......

"And I'll never sit on a porch somewhere, with him gray-haired by my side, surrounded by our grandchildren".

1. What human experience would you never give up?

PS - Last night I posted pictures of the house with all the landscaping. Check it out and prepare to be amazed!

Can you believe it?

For all those that knew us in Washington these pictures should shock and amaze you. I wish I had taken a picture of the yard before the landscaping was completed. Just imagine the backyard at the "blue house" but with more weeds! I didn't take a picture of the backyard but it too has grass, trees and shrubs!!

To Madelyn

Happy, Happy Birthday Madelyn Dear.......

Can you believe she is four already? So to all those that love her this is a little glimpe of the past and some of my favorite moments with my favorite girl.....

Here she is on the very first day we meet. Dallan spent days and days making sure he picked out the very best car seat for her. It amazed me the amount of love he had for her from the very moment he held her.

Madelyn was definately a colicky baby. We tried everything and then by accident we discovered that the warm vibrating dryer calmed her down and put her to sleep. Adorable!

Her first Halloween. Have you ever come across a cuter pumpkin?

This was the day we had Madelyn sealed to us. She was so exceptionally good natured that day. It was almost as if she knew what an important day it was. This is one of my favorite pictures of that day. The dress and blanket were made by her great grandmother, Nana, or Hannah which is what Madelyn calls her.

Watching the Jungle Book with "Beba", her great grandfather. I am not sure how many times he was forced to watch that and Barney. I am sure the nightmares were abundant.

Madelyn and grandma. They have always shared a special bond. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer just weeks before we got the news about Madelyn. So for my mom Madelyn was a sign of hope during a very difficult time. Every time we visit they both cry when it is time to leave.

Her first experience with snow.

Her first trip to Disneyland. We had so much fun with the Tenney's we went again the following year.

Madelyn loves horses! And so for her birthday last year we bought her a red rider horse, which she promptly names "Buddy".

Meeting her brother for the first time. She has many names for him..Jaskin, buddy, little buddy, brother boy and finally big boy. When you call him Jackson it doesn't even register.

This was taken on the day we took Jackson to the temple to have him sealed to our family.

She loves music and loves to dance. Her favorite lunch consists of a sandwich with peanut butter and grape jelly, and she could probably eat pizza every day if you let her. The girl can put down milk like you wouldn't believe! She loves chocolate and blue juice. Her favorite people (besides her dad, me and brother) are grandma, hannah and Uncle "D". She loves both pretend and real horses, especially if they are white. She loves to act silly and can easily make me laugh. She is bossy and quite sassy. I love that she loves doing "girly" things, but also loves to go out and play in the mud. She hates getting her hands dirty and hates washing her hair. If you ask her what color her hair is she will tell you brown. If you insist it is red she will argue with you until you give up. She is stubborn and sweet all at the same time. When I asked her what her favorite food is she told me chicken but not zebras. Her favorite song is Jesus wants me for a sunbeam. She loves to tease Dallan and in fact told him the other day when it was time to say family prayer that she no longer likes Jesus. You could see Dallan trying to restrain himself all the while telling her how much he loved Jesus. When his "talk" was over she looked at him and said well I don't. After he went to bed and I was reading her a book she looked at me and said mom, I love Jesus. That is when I knew she only said it to him to get under his skin. He has taught her well and now it is coming back to bite him in the well you get the picture. She is my best girl and I am so thankful every day that I was chosen to be her mother. She has changed me in so many wonderful ways. I look forward to many more birthdays and years of watching her grow into someone and something more lovely than I ever could have imagined. I love you little one.