Happy Birthday Sweet Girl....

Lately I have really been struggling with the thought of there will be no more babies added to our little family. And I must admit I have had a "poor is me" attitude for quite some time over this realization. But I am thankful for today. Thankful for the reminder that I have had not one but two miracles in my life. Today we celebrate Madelyn. We celebrate the miracle of her birth and the miracle of how she came to be a part of our family. Not only is she beautiful but she is smart. I mean really smart. She loves to learn and she loves to do things the right way. She has a strong and faithful spirit, and tries hard to follow Heavenly Father's plan. She finds honor in making good choices and is a person who feels her Heavenly Father's love and presence strongly. She is talented. She is a miracle and I am thankful every day that I was chosen to be her mother. Here is an excerpt from a journal entry written right after we brought her home....

It was about 5:00 pm and I was just finishing up with work. Brother Lewis, our caseworker called me and said I have some news; you and Dallan have been selected by a birthmother. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He said she lives in Florida and is due on August 17th. August 17th I asked? That was only 9 days away. I asked if he knew whether it was a boy or a girl and he said he didn’t know. We talked for a minute and he said I will keep you updated, but be prepared to go to Florida at any time. I hung up the phone and I couldn’t believe that had just happened. I left the office and on my way home I called your dad on the cell phone. I said I have some news and he said what? I said we are getting a baby and he said when and I said she is due August 17th and he said hurry up and get home. I raced home and as I walked into the house I shouted can you believe that you could be a dad in nine days? Your dad said what do you mean nine days and I said she is due in nine days and he said WHAT??? I thought you said she was due in November. Your dad is a planner and I don’t think he ever expected to have so little time to prepare for your arrival. I think we spent every night for the next week at the baby store, checking things out. Your dad wouldn’t let me buy anything so finally after going to this store day after day with his list I told him I wouldn’t go back until he promised I could buy you something! That night we bought the little car seat we would bring you home in. Your dad must have checked that thing over and over to make sure it was the safest one you could buy. Nothing but the best for you.

She (Stephanie) struggled with the decision but knew in her heart that she couldn’t take care of you the way you should be taken care of. She worked two jobs and knew that your birth father wouldn’t be around to help take care of you. She told us that she wanted a better life for you. That she wanted you to have a mother and a father. I want you to know that as she sat there and told us all of this she had tears streaming down her face. Madelyn she loves you, perhaps a little more than most mothers love their children because she had the courage to do something so tremendously hard. The easy thing would have been to have kept you, but she had seen the hard challenges your brothers had to face and she felt so bad about that. More than anything I want you to know how much she loves you.

Women having babies is perhaps the greatest miracle of life. You hear women tell of their babies coming into this world and how miraculous it is to have a life growing inside you. I worried that I would somehow feel cheated because I would never have that experience. When you were placed in my arms and I looked at your tiny face, I was so thankful I was blessed to have a different kind of miracle, one that most people don’t get to experience and a miracle that is every bit as priceless had I given birth to you myself.

That Madelyn is the story of your birth, of how you came to be the most important part of our little family. Your story is about love, miracles and about sacrifice. I hope one day you will look at your life and be amazed at how much hope and how much change you brought about all because you were born. We love you Madelyn and we thank our Father in Heaven each day that you are our daughter.

Happy birthday Madelyn...we are excited to see just how much good you will bring into this world.

Oh the Memories...

As I was unloading the dishwasher my thoughts suddenly turned to Josh & Jen Carter. You may be wondering why I would think of this family while doing something as ordinary and boring as emptying the dishwasher so let me tell me why...We spent many nights at the Carter home having dinner and usually when we were all done Josh would do the dishes. And when Josh is loads the dishwasher he separates all the utensils into their individual categories. Spoons all go in one bin, forks in another, and so on and so forth. Now the utensils just aren't gathered up and thrown in the bin but he turns them so they are all going the same direction. Some of you may be thinking this is a little extreme, and I have to admit I initially thought that myself but try it once and you will discover that it makes unloading the silverware MUCH easier. Thank you Josh Carter.

So that got me thinking...this happens to me a lot. I will watch something, eat something, or hear a certain song I remember someone. A friend, a person who means something to me, a person I haven't seen in a while and miss having in my life. So without further ado....here are some of my favorite memories. I would love it if you posted one of yours and it does NOT have to be a memory that includes me.

Clark & Emily Scharman...Chinese food, root beer, and Survivor.

Dick and Joyce Ekstrand...Chocolate, Baskin Robbins, Red Hot & Blue, and missionary sandwich hugs.

Lexi Magnusson...I can't drink a Mountain Dew or eat a chocolate Whopper (you know I had to specify otherwise you would think we hit up the burger king frequently) without thinking of her fondly.

Heather James...Nachos, ladies nights, prom dresses & police cars, and diet coke with lime.

Andria Laws...Every time I sweep the floor I giggle to myself. If you want to know just ask her about the time she got frustrated and went for the broom.

Nicole Kunzler...Wendy's Frosties.

Sherri Marks...Take 5 candy bars. Because of her I am now addicted. Or was that Heather's favorite. I just remember going to the mall with those two girls and being introduced to them. Now I am hooked.

Bernice Tooley....gallon jugs of milk. LOVE it and her!

Susan Forsgren....two words....SECURITY OFFICERS.

Jessica Washburn...Lime Cheesecake, and other yummy treats.

Laura Vanderbeek - Bike rides, walks in the rain, and Amish delights.

Oh I could go on and on...to those that I forgot...it wasn't that I forgot but this post can only be so long.

PLEASE tell me some of your memories of some of your favorite people...NOT including ME!

The Claws Came Out...

My parenting rule of thumb is when a problem arises between one of my children and a child that doesn't belong to me is take the side of the other kid. I try VERY hard to approach the situation with this mind set....What did my child do to provoke the problem. I do this not because I think my children are mean but as their mother I KNOW what they are capable of and as much as I hate to admit it...they aren't always PERFECT. For instance...Jack (he prefers the name Jack...at least for today) LOVES to tease. Now his teasing isn't meant to harm or to make another person cry (unless you are his big sister and then his ONLY motive is to inflict as much emotional turmoil as possible). No, he just loves good natured teasing, but other kids sometimes don't understand that. So the first question I ask when I see a problem between Jackson and another kid....Jackson, are you teasing? And one thing you have to LOVE about him is he tells the truth. If he was teasing he will fess up. With Madelyn...I know she LOVES to be the BOSS. When she plays someone she wants to be the director, you know the one calling all the shots. So when I see a problem I automatically ask...are you being bossy? So that is the first thing I asked when she swam over to me today and said these girls are being mom. Apparently, one wanted to play with her and the other well didn't and she was the alpha in the pack. So I give her my "girls are just mean" speech and tell her that I will play with her. Twenty minutes later the "nice" one comes over and says would you like to play with us because it is getting a little lonesome with you. Those were her exacts words. HALLELUJAH my faith was restored. Madelyn looked at me and I said sure you can go play...just don't be bossy (I whispered that to her as not to embarass her). So there I was in the pool (yes...in a bathing suit) watching Madelyn play with this cute little girl when here comes the alpha. She grabbed her little friend and said "I need to talk to you". The nice one kept saying but we are playing, don't you want to play with us? She said no we need to have a "meeting". So I just said why don't all three of you play together? And she looked at me and said "I need to have a meeting with my friend" and I said well after your meeting maybe all three of you could play", she looked at me and said..."maybe". I have one word B-R-A-T. I kept looking around to see if I could spot which mother I thought she belonged to. Okay I am now being bratty when I say that my suspicions were right. There she was the alpha daughter talking to her barbie doll of a mother, you know the one in a string bikini, a body to match, and a Von Dutch hat shading her pretty little head from the sun. That was catty I know...but I am still mad. Well.....the story ends with the alpha winning. She accomplishes this by going to the above mentioned mother and saying something probably something along the lines of "mom, my friend nice blond girl won't stop playing with the red haired girl." Sure enough within a matter of moments both girls were summoned from the pool for a mandatory rest. And Madelyn is left alone again in the pool. A few minutes later they re-enter the pool but the alpha takes great measure in staying as far away from Madelyn as possible. I know this is only the beginning of things to come. I hope Madelyn will forever be known as one of the "nice" ones. My mother heart broke for for her today... I mean come on....who wouldn't want to be friends with this cute girl?

I Haven't Forgotten....

I just wanted to check in to let everyone (the 4 that still read this) that I haven't checked out. We are just busy with Summer fun. I will post some pictures soon! Plus I am having great difficulty publishing new posts. Something with an update Dallan did on your computer and now each time I try to post something I get a javascript error message. So frustrating!

The Joys of Camping....

For those that REALLY know me, you know I am not a camper. There are many aspects of camping I don't necessarily enjoy. It is my opinion that camping is a chore, a production where everything from making breakfast to using the bathroom is work. But Dallan talked me into it. He said camping creates memories for your children and I want to go and create some memories...so I relented...and here are some of our best moments....

1. Our camp site - We camped at Cave Springs up in Sedona. Our camp site backed up to a creek where the kids found this rope swing. It was one of their favorite things to do.

2. Our trip to slide rock - This was Madelyn and Jackson's favorite off site activity we did. They had an absolute blast and were not afraid to slide, swim, or jump!

3. Our trip to see the Indian cliff dwellings at Walnut Creek Park - Madelyn spent a good portion of her second grade year studying Native American tribes, so this was right up her alley. After going all Jackson wanted was to meet a "real" Native American.

Madelyn by a very cool looking Juniper tree.

Hanging out in one of the many cliff dwellings there.

4. Our trip to Bearizona - In mine and Dallan's opinion this was a waste of $50, but the kids had a good time.

This was one of the black bears we saw from the car window as we drove through the zoo. The kids appropriately named him "tubby".

Classic Jackson! He came up with that pose all on his own.

Their Bearizona tattoos!

5. Our hiking trip to Devils Bridge - The kids didn't love the hike. It was hot and it was uphill, oh who am I kidding I didn't love the hike either but the end was worth the effort.

The beginning of the trail head.

The top of the sandstone arch.

More from the top.

6. Making friends - Our camp site was full every night which meant new friends to play with everyday. The kids had such a good time making clubhouses, going fishing with their little nets, and exploring the creek with their new BFF's. Jackson wouldn't slow down long enough to get a picture with him and his little buddy. But I will say he was the social butterfly of Cave Springs. If he wasn't going camp site to camp site looking for someone to play with, he was pillaging for food. The boy has no shame when it comes to eating.

In conclusion...I have to agree with Dallan...we did create some great family memories. I still think camping is hard work and sometimes I don't want a vacation to be hard work, but this time around I was thankful Dallan talked me into it. We had a GREAT time!

What to do, What to do...

As I was sitting poolside today in my shorts and tee shirt I vacillated between two different thoughts...The first....why should I care about what I look like in a swimsuit (I refuse to wear one in public) when there are people that look like "that" walking around parading themselves in front of a crowd of people. I mean they seriously have no shame. And the second thought was....if you wear one you will undoubtedly become one of "those" people and someone else will be thinking/writing the same thing about you. So you either stay cool or stay covered, I haven't made up my mind yet, and I can promise you that there will be no pictures should I decide to be brave.

PS - I love the promise of looking 10 pounds thinner in 10 seconds with the "miracle" swimsuit. Do they not understand that the swimsuit only covers a portion of my body. I mean they aren't selling me something that goes from head to toe. How do they then expect to make me look 10 pounds lighter? Advertising!

Feeling a Little Guilty...

Today was our first real day of Summer vacation. I mean the first day that we were home by ourselves for the entire day. Can I just tell you that it was a looong morning followed by an even longer afternoon? The last thing I wanted to do was plan a family home evening lesson. So I decided I would go ahead and give my search of the perfect cupcake recipe a trial run and give the results to the neighbors across the street. Because the "thin mint" cupcakes included things like boiling water and chocolate ganache I decided to go for the easier snickerdoodle cupcake. And I cheated BIGTIME. It was a store bought cake mix with a few added ingredients to doctor it up, and then it was frosting you buy in a can again with a few extra ingredients. I made the batter, sprinkled the tops with cinnamon and sugar, and hoped for the best. First lesson learned....I tend to overfill. The results....cupcake batter oozing over the edge. However, they did make my house smell lovely. The tops didn't "crackle" like a snickerdoodle cookie does but the taste was yummy. I then frosted them with cinnamon vanilla frosting, attached a card to the plate and sent the kids on their way. On a different note...I need serious help with my presentation skills because I am telling you they weren't pretty. In fact I was embarrassed to even take a picture of them so I don't even have any proof that I actually baked them. But here is where the guilt set in. A few minutes after the kids came home the phone rang. It was my neighbor. Mandee what kind of cupcakes were those? Well...they are supposed to be reminiscent of a snickerdoodle cookie. Well they were the best cupcakes I have ever had. Seriously you could put those cupcake places out of business. I was too embarrassed to tell her they came from a box. But then Dallan reminded me that maybe she knew they came from a box and that they weren't as good as a professional because (and these are his exact words) what is she really going to say...hey these are pretty good but I know they came from a box. Maybe she decided to call you because it is easier lying over the phone than in person. By the way he ate 4 cupcakes so they couldn't be that bad! So there is my confession...I am a slacker. I buy cake mixes from a box and pretend they are homemade. There I said it. And for those like me that want the recipe...you let me know, and I promise I will never tell a soul.

Click here to view this photo book larger

On the Night You Were Born...

This afternoon I called out to Jackson telling him to go and pick out some books for us to read together. This has become our weekly ritual. A few moments in the middle of the day that is just for him and me. We climb up on the bed and I open up the first book he picked out.

"On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, Life will never be the the same. For never before in story or rhyme (not even once upon a time) has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again....Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born".

Reading that book to him started me thinking...I spent so much of my young adult life trying to measure up. It was exhausting work and in the end I always fell short of someones expectations. I never felt pretty enough or smart enough. Truthfully I just didn't feel like I was enough of anything. That was until I meet someone who literally changed my life. He was something of a spiritual giant. A man who said here I am God...use me for good. And this is what he taught me....

It is the simple truth that each of us is a unique child of a loving Heavenly Father. We were sent here with all the qualities and characteristics to be happy and successful in this life. Say that out loud...I AM A CHILD OF GOD. That is powerful. That makes you and me valuable... worth more than we can even comprehend. Knowing that one bit of eternal truth changes everything. It changes the way you see yourself. It changes the way you see the people you love and perhaps more importantly it changes the way you see those that are HARD to love. With this knowledge comes responsibility. With this knowledge comes peace of mind. It is my hope as a mother that I can instill this bit of truth in both of my children. I hope I say it loud enough and often enough that it becomes a permanent fixture in both their minds.

So to Madelyn and Jackson.....Be happy with who you are. When feelings of inadequacy and self doubt creep in...pray. Pray and ask Heavenly Father to help you see yourself the way HE sees you. Ask Him to help you learn to love yourself. Remember you have something to offer the world because there is no one in the world like you. Believe in yourselves. Believe in your talents. Believe you have something great to offer the world. And one last thing... I will let you in on a little secret....an amazing thing occurs when you learn to love yourself....loving others and seeing the good in people becomes almost effortless.

I Believe in You.
Love,

And So It Begins.....

I think I have been holding out hope that our darling Madelyn would grow up to be well....socially awkward.

This would save us from so many things....mainly BOYS. She is BEAUTIFUL now and I am quite positive this attribute will only increase as she grows up (minus that weird age when all girls look gawky and strange). She has never been a "girly" girl. She doesn't like dolls, she likes dinorsaurs. She doesn't like dresses, she likes shorts and her sneakers. Her hair is ALWAYS in a ponytail because she doesn't like it curly. She is a perfect tomboy. A tomboy who likes to play with boys at recess but NOT a tomboy who "LIKES" boys. So here is the situation....a couple of weeks ago Miss Madelyn started talking non-stop about a boy we will call "C". It was C this and C that. And mom would you like to know all the things that C does for me at school? Sure, Madelyn...what does C do? Well he carries my books, he punches my homework ticket, and once mom I couldn't put on my necklace and he did it for me. OH BOY this does not sound good. After several more days of C this and C that Madelyn asks this question....Mom, what does the word C-R-U-S-H mean? Well Madelyn crush has several meanings. Why don't you tell me where you heard that word and I will tell you what it means. Okay...see mom...C's friend told me at recess that C has a crush on me. OH REALLY? Ya, so what does it mean? Well Madelyn it means that he likes you as a FRIEND. Oh, okay. Then Dallan discovers a tell-tell sign that this wasn't just your typical one way crush. The evidence? A box covered with hearts and C's name written all over it. They had a talk. The box was turned so the hearts couldn't be seen. Later that evening Madelyn comes in our room and says mom, I feel bad about drawing those hearts. I said its okay Madelyn. She said but mom I just can't stop thinking about that word. I said what word would that be Madelyn...CRUSH mom. I just can't stop thinking about it. And so it goes on. The word PLAY DATE has been BANNED from our vocabulary...courtesy of one FREAKED out DAD. And we are only in the SECOND GRADE.....YIKES.

How do you let go?

Over the years we have lived in lots of places. I loved moving. I loved the adventure of going some place new. I loved that every few years you were forced to go through your things and get rid of the junk you were holding on to. I also loved that with each new place you got the opportunity to reinvent yourself. Our first move was to Charleston, SC. Dallan and I were newly weds. Life was good. Very good in fact. It was there I learned just how valuable friendships are. We meet amazing people with huge hearts and great capacities to love. Dallan and I witnessed miracles there. We have cherished memories of being a part of an extended family of friends who cried with us and finally celebrated with us when we were blessed with Madelyn. But Charleston was easy to leave. Only because everyone we loved was moving on too. Our next stop.....Washington. From the moment we walked into our new ward it felt like home. I remember sitting behind Jessica Washburn in church. She turned around and said something funny and when she turned back around I whispered to Dallan I like her. She was the first of MANY women who I came to love, admire, and respect while living there. These women became my lifeline. As I struggled with the waiting for yet another baby these women rallied behind me. And when we finally got news of Jackson they were there crying happy tears right along side of me. And then it was time to leave. But this time was MUCH, MUCH different. I was the only one leaving. It was one of the hardest most depressing times in my life. My heart ached to be back there. And so I closed myself off. If I couldn't have that I didn't want anything else. I am still in touch with many of those friends. I have watched from afar as they have celebrated new babies, personal successes, and sadness that comes from losing someone you love. Not being there has made me sad, jealous, and sometimes even angry. I haven't made the same effort to meet and make friends because I wanted those friends back. So this is me attempting to restart and open myself up to new possibilities here. Since leaving I have become like a newly returned missionary...forgetting all the hardships while remembering only the wonderful. I suppose a part of me thought me closing the door would somehow mean that, that time in my life didn't mean as much as I thought it did. However, I have realized that closing the door doesn't mean forgetting or even leaving people behind. What it does mean is that I can now come to terms that things may never be like that again and that's okay. It has taken me a long, long time to finally say... good bye.

For Lexi.....

Disneyland 2010 - At the end of April we headed west with the Tenney's for a weekend filled with all things Mickey.

Madelyn & Jackson at the hotel. They were VERY excited to be in California and out of the car!

Here is Madelyn getting ready to ride California Screamin. She was an adrenaline junkie...I think the final Tally for going on this ride was 5...something she was very proud of!

Jackson's FAVORITE moment of the trip...meeting "race car" or Lightening McQueen!

Jackson's ride of choice while waiting for Madelyn & Dallan to finish their ride on California Screamin.

Hanging out on the pirate boat at California Adventure. I LOVE that smile!

So Jackson would NOT stand close to ANY of the characters with the exception of Lightening & the princesses. He was in awe of them....

Madelyn swinging in Tarzan's tree.

Waiting in line with her autograph book to see the princesses. Which by the way was surprising. She doesn't like their movies, books, costumes, etc, etc. Maybe it was the thrill of adding to her book that made the wait worth while.



The Tenney Family. They are some of our FAVORITE people!


Waiting to board the Finding Nemo ride.

All in all it was a GREAT trip. The kids had a great time with their cousins and Dallan and I got to spend the weekend with Susan & Jeff. The Tenney's LOVE Disneyland, so if I can talk Dallan into it there very well could be a Disneyland sequel next summer.

To a Great Man....

A couple of years ago I had the thought that I wanted to make a list of people who had made a positive impact on my life and then write each of them a letter thanking them. Well like lots of ideas...they came....and then they left. But as I was reflecting on this new year and what I wanted to accomplish again the thought came to me and this time I decided I was actually going to follow through with it. So I made the list. And out of all the names there were just two people who I hadn't seen or spoken to in several years. Finding them was going to be the hardest part. I set about my search and after several emails to the MTC and several google searches later I found one of the two. Actually, I found someone with the same name...Kelly R. Gehret. I decided to take a chance and write this person an email hoping that they were somehow related. And sure enough the Kelly Gehret I wrote was the son of President Gehret who was my Branch President in the MTC. But I was too late. President Gehret passed away in 2004.

So who was President Gehret? Upon arriving at the MTC I was scared...shell shocked...unsure of myself, and above all those insecure feelings I was left feeling VERY aware of all the wrong choices I had made. I felt worthless and in no way worthy to be there. And in comes President Gehret. To say I was intimidated would be an understatement. When he spoke...you listened. This man saw right through me. He knew I was struggling. What I loved most about him was his unwillingness to give up on me. He saw something good in me. He believed in me...believed I was capable of becoming more than I had allowed myself to be up to that point in my life.

The few letters he wrote to me while I was a missionary are some of my most prized possessions. The lessons he taught me about forgiveness, God's love, and the importance of seeing yourself the way God see you are priceless. I am only sorry I never got to tell him how I finally moved past the guilt. How I learned to love myself in spite of the mistakes I had made and how because of him I try harder to see the good in other people. Thank you President Gehret for changing the course of my life...I look forward to seeing you again someday.

The results are in...

Our color choice for this yeat's family photos was quite difficult. I love black. I think just about everyone looks good in black. But it was time for a change or so everyone told me! In the end I went with gray. Dallan thought it was funny that I chose something VERY close to my all time favorite...but give me some credit...at least I tried! Here are some of the pictures. We are waiting for the rest to be mailed to us. Our photographer was amazing to work with, was more than reasonable in her pricing, and in my opinion did a fabulous job. If anyone living in Arizona would like her name and number just let me know!

All Aboard...

The day before Thanksgiving we loaded up the family and headed up North to Williams, AZ. For those of you who don't know, Williams has a Polar Express train depot and for a small fee will transport you and your children all the way up to the North Pole. We were served cookies and hot chocolate by adorable waiters. As we ate and sipped our goodies we listened as the book was read to us. And before you could say ALL ABOARD we were at the North Pole. Buildings with twinkling lights housed what looked like little elves busily making toys. And of course there was Santa's Sleigh loaded with a huge bag of toys just waiting to be delivered. As the train stopped and started to go back in the direction we came the kids noticed Santa wasn't in his sleigh anymore! That's because he had decided to jump aboard. So while we waited for Santa to make his way to our car we all sang Christmas carols. And finally...SANTA... complete with a real beard, rosy cheeks and of course magic bells taken straight from his sleigh for each of the kids. For the next several minutes all we heard was "mom, dad can you hear it ringing"? And we would reply "no, I don't think I can hear it". And their response would be..."well all you have to say is I believe, and then you will hear it ringing". And so we would say I believe and sure enough we would hear the bell! As we deboarded the train we were each handed a little ticket that had the word BELIEVE on it. Madelyn and Jackson loved it enough to make us want to take them again next year. Hope you enjoy the pictures....